In 2021, after a challenging struggle with the Delta variant of Covid-19, I had a revelation that reaffirmed my life's purpose. The Lord has a way of taking a concept He has already taught us and presenting it again in such a profound way that our souls glimpse His understanding. This realization came to me after enduring the worst symptoms of the virus.
For nine days before returning to the hospital, Covid was relentless. Looking back, it reminded me of the scarlet fever I had as a child, the severe chickenpox in middle school, my chronic asthma, and the painful ovarian cysts I dealt with as an adult, all combined into one feverish ordeal. The virus seemed to target every ailment or weakness my body had experienced. I should also mention my tendency for short-term memory loss. Yes, my left ovary hurt unbearably throughout, revealing an existing issue. I felt pain deep in my bones and struggled to breathe. I hallucinated and at times couldn’t distinguish if calls from friends and family were real or part of a dream. I was aware I had one foot in this world and the other pointed elsewhere. Other than the mentioned illnesses, I rarely got sick and had always been on the caregiving side. I had cared for my great grandmother, my mother, helped with my father, and looked after my children who were chronically ill at different times. I thought, “I guess it’s my turn.” And I was indeed being challenged. Covid leaves you to fight alone, but God doesn’t. He watches over you even when you’re unaware. And one thing I know is, when the heat rises in your trials, it isn’t the Lord turning the dial. He stands with you in the furnace, and His Hands control it!
God, who knows the full extent of our stories, chose to keep me in this world. He decided this for me long before it happened, when I was faithfully praying years before, when I faltered and needed His mercy, He had already chosen it. A year before this Covid experience, I went to get my birth certificate and was told by a clerk, visibly shaken, that I was listed as deceased. That moment was dramatic for me. It was like the past years flashed before me, and I realized I hadn’t truly been living. I had been giving away my gifts and hiding the grace I possessed. The pressure of people expecting me to act in a self-defeating way, because I had taught them to expect it, was breaking me. I surrounded myself with people who didn’t know or value me because I didn’t respect myself. I didn’t transition from a career change well and fell victim to people-pleasing. I was on a path fueled by my weakness to please others. But here I was at a potential impasse, and the Holy Spirit used this time to redirect me. He didn’t allow this to harm me but to reignite me. The Holy Spirit infused me with correction, grace, and mercy. This sharing isn’t about correction due to a life of sin. It wasn’t about past mistakes or times I faltered. No, it was about something Believers often do: replacing God’s path with a diluted version of my own. Like Jonah, I rerouted my life for comfort rather than embracing the destiny God had for me.
From being a misunderstood young girl with a metaphorical scarlet letter to living a life overshadowed by a story not truly mine, I had journeyed through self-flagellation and silent suffering. God knew the truth about me, the innocence I fought to maintain, and the pressures I surrendered to. My tendency to make things seem better and not hold others accountable became a harmful tendency to please people and put others ahead of me, leading to self-stagnation and identity swapping. Like that young girl, I knew what God placed in me, but I wanted to hide. He saw my loyalty to secrets and compassion for others, but He wanted to teach me another way. A way where I didn’t hide what He placed in me because those things aren’t personal to me. They belong to Him. God wants what He placed in us back. He uses humanity to express Himself and His glory back to Himself.
The Covid-19 ordeal became a catalyst for change. As I recovered, I sensed a spiritual reset. I felt the loss of friends and familiar things, but it was part of God's plan to redirect me. God literally told me friends would leave me. One by one, it happened. God knows what we need and gives us time to align with His will. When we resist, He guides us back to the right path. The process is painful, but dying to our own will often is. When we spend years being half of our potential, the Lord allows the fire to burn off codependency and things that shield us from honoring God through our expression, creating fulfillment in our life experience.
As I lay in recovery, I heard God ask, "Are you going to express yourself?" This wasn’t just about words; it was about fully embracing and living out the purpose God had for me. It was a call to authenticity, to share my gifts and story with the world, despite challenges or fears. God reminded me my expression mattered, that my life was a unique brushstroke on His canvas, meant to reflect His glory. It’s a question embedded in my spiritual DNA. I am here to express the gifts God gave me. Freely He gave them, and freely I am to use them. If you have experienced God, you know that when He asks a question, He already knows the answer. God’s questions bring us clarity. They point us back to His answer. When He asks, the answers flow into you. God explained this; “Expression is the vehicle for your gifts.” You can have gifts, but if never expressed, they never achieve the end I have for them to nourish others’ lives. Just as fruit ripens to maturity and provides nourishment, so are your gifts intended to be used.
God was never deceived by my partial presence. He was never fully moved by it either. God wants us to be comfortable with ourselves, to express ourselves without fear. He can fully use a person who is vulnerable and committed to their own value in the Kingdom. He can flow through us when we clear the path for genuine expression, free ourselves from our limitations and shackles, and think with our spirits and not our lived experiences- then as His word says, He will renew our waste places and set our captive minds, free. You are free to embrace every aspect of your existence, to express yourself fully. You can release the things that hold literally stand at gatekeep your best living and be a living testament of the abundant life that belongs to every Believer!
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